After reading facebook statuses yesterday morning, I was a little disheartened. See, they, for the most part proclaimed the resurrection of Jesus. I just wasn't feeling it....I know I am not to follow or trust my feelings, but I was a little overcome with the fact that I didn't SEE the power of God in my life. I prayed that He would show me His power and that I would recognize His hand in my life. I decided to venture out to Commerce, where I grew up.
I drove through town and on to the house I spent most of my growing up in. This house has so many memories for me--and they are not at all good. You see, I was being sexually abused almost daily in this home and no one outside of our home knew it (well, it was obvious SOMEthing was going on, but more on that later). I got out and walked around the house. It was about 100 years old when I lived in it (35 years ago) and it was falling down then. Someone has now taken the job of trying to preserve it. The doors and most of the windows were boarded up and it was completely ramshackled. As I thought about the different rooms, and the goings on in those rooms, I was overcome with how horrific what I lived through was. I was basically my step-father's wife for the 13 years he and my mom were married. Not only physically, but emotionally and practically speaking: I was responsible for all household duties--from cooking, to cleaning, to grocery shopping and laundry.
Living this kind of life has many, many repercussions. I had no self worth, I was trying to survive, I had no hope. And I lived like it. I realized walking around the property, that I have several girls the ages I was during all of this and my heart just broke--for the little girl who never got to be a little girl. For the loss of innocence. For the decisions I made with those kind of sack clothes thrown over me. For the judgement I received for those decisions. For no one seeing the actions as they were meant to be: a cry for help.
We left there, my heart heavy, but grateful for the life I now live. I got home and decided to go to the Saturday night Easter Celebration. We began our worship time and I was overcome with the revelation of what God has done for me....taken me from the pit of hell and death to the resurrected life I now live. The focus scripture was 1 corinthians 1:18: "for the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing but to us who are being saved it is the power of God." Our pastor went on to tell about how when Peter cut off the ear of one of the soldiers coming to get Jesus. Jesus put the ear back on....and...this is what knocked me over....erased any and all evidence that it had ever happened--WOW!!!
The power of the cross--the resurrection power of Jesus--took me out of my prison, healed my broken heart, changed the sack cloths for joy, turned my mourning into dancing and erased all evidence that I had ever walked in sin and shame.
This morning, I was listening to worship music....this song came on...it has always been special to me, but today, it brought a new picture to mind. I saw Jesus singing over that sad, little girl, whose heart was being ripped apart daily....I didn't know it then, but His power was at work even then....Lord, I'm amazed by YOU!!!
I have a friend that tells me on occasion that I need to stop being pretty so that I can be beautiful. I really have not understood what this meant. At times I was even offended.....I must admit. I got the awesome opportunity to see what he was telling me and want to encourage you by sharing it with you. As a mom, I must say, I have 9 of the most awesomely wonderful and beautiful children. We have been in a tough place as a family, and my children have been feeling the stress and pain of it all. I have six daughters, who are strikingly beautiful. One in particular though.....she is very reserved, quiet, and not expressive in her emotions at all. Yesterday, I called her to me for something and I could tell she had been crying. I had to press in and dig a little, but once I did, the flood gates opened.....she began weeping--uncontrollably. It was in that moment that I saw pretty vs. beautiful. I got to witness the beauty of grief, pain, and sorrow. Then I saw the beauty of cleansing and of peace. I saw the most beautiful sight in my daughter in that moment. Was she pretty? No....not in the world's terms....But she was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen in that moment. Now, in my weakness, I want to tell her it will be okay, and to not cry.....it is uncomfortable to see someone in pain, and to allow them to show the emotion of that pain. I am learning to embrace the pain that life brings. I am learning to allow those around me to express how God made them to express their emotions.There will be women in our lives that are in great pain. They have been told it is not good to show emotion. They have been told they need to look 'pretty'. If I have the opportunity to, and I pray that I do.....I want to encourage anyone I may come in contact with to be beautiful. To cry, to be themselves, to allow God to show them who they really are. It is very uncomfortable to watch someone in pain. It is also very comforting when I am in pain, to have someone to hold me and to cry with me. I want to be free enough toallow someone to cry out in their pain and to cry with them. I want the beauty that God has placed in me to be expressed and shared with others walking through the same pain. I know that is what God wants of you, too!!!! Don't be pretty, be beautiful!!!!
